I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
