tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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