I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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