My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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