If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think people are normalizing furries
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
