So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
