i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
