my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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