i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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