his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
