Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
