Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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