I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
