Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
