remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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