I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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