Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
