apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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