I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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