I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
