Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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