i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
