Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
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i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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