I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
