were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They took my balls.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
