I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
