My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
