My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
