I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
