farters have to be the big spoon...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
