Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
