# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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