I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
