drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
