I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
