For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
