I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
