Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She bit a glass in half.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
soo... how was my night?
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