I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
