I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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