dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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