I hate your face
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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