Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Randomize
