ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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