my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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