Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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