I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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