checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
