Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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