They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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