I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
