Even the bartender felt bad for me
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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