Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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