I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
