I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You were trust falling into bushes
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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