so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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